Jennifer, Jenny, Jen

I'm really starting to doubt so many things. Nothing is real and I can't stand all of these changes I'm going through. I finally talked to Alex Baluna. It's been so long since we last had a conversation or talked for that matter. But with everything else aside, this will probably be my last entry. I'm tired of this, even though I hardly ever update this thing. Everyone has one, so there is no point in it anymore. And no one comments in my journal at least. This is where I'm starting to see that I have been right all along in a few subjects. I truly do not fit in anywhere. But I accept that. It's funny, in a way, that it comes as no "big surprise". I don't mind being alone all that much. I've gotten so used to it by now.
One thing I didn't see coming though, is how I'm starting to resent my life. I wake up and I dread having to get out of bed. I just want to lie there all day and not have to deal with all the shit that goes on at school and in life. I'm lonely too. But, like everything else, I am becoming accustomed to it. School has also become something of a drag. But there are days that contradict that statement. Some days I feel really great and happy, as if nothing could bring me down from this natural high that I rarely develope. But it doesn't take much for someone to ruin it.
The human race is dead in its tracks. It tortures me, honestly. I'm sick with sadness and longing for something great to happen. I've been thinking about moving out with my dad. I know I wouldn't be happier but I think a few people would prefer it and I doubt it would make a difference to others.
I hate to bitch and whine, but this is a journal isn't it. If you have a problem with it then quit reading it for fuck's sake. Save yourself the agony and go and read about another person's fabulous life, since everyone else is in some idealistic state of mind, and think it impossible for someone else to have the right to be in a "bad" mood.
I am only human and I have a right to get pissed and let it out be in a form of writting or words. I will never choose words because I'm too fucking nice and peace-loving to disrupt anything that has potential to be good. I keep all of my feelings inside and I think that is what is fucking me up. But why would I just say something to hurt someone? Why would I put someone down for my own pleasure? Why do people feel they have to share every god damn thought in their head when their opinion wasn't even asked for? If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it. A lot of people can't seem to grasp that idea.
And you know what, my feelings are not something that can be thrown around. It drives me insane and I'm pulling my hair out from roots. I feel like a rag doll. I'm limp with emotional pain, which leaves me too weak to do anything about everything. And I'm so nice. Honestly, I'm so sweet to everyone and it never seems to be returned to me. Eventhough this is a fact, I still try to be so nice and please others. I don't want to give up. Maybe one day someone will treat me like I treat everyone else, and then after I get over the massive shock attack, I will know why I deserved it.

I yern for something more tangible. I don't think I will ever get out of this alive. I miss so many things that it seems unreal to even wake up in the morning. I hate this feeling, I truly do...

Why can't this be easy? Why do I have to make such a mockery of life? I don't understand why I can't be happy with the pleasures that life gives me and just leave it at that.

"You will wait for me..."

And I keep repeating the same words over and over and it gradually becomes so boring and lifeless. I need to find some sort of comfort that is reliable and will be there for me when I need it, not just when it is safe to be called upon. A lot of people just don't seem to understand and it's frustrating. I want someone to talk to but people get bored and don't want to hear what is wrong. They want to discuss matters that only entertain them.

"It's a simple suggestion can you give me sometime.So just say yes or no. Why can't you shoulder the blame? Cause both my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both."

Lately I have become just so attached. I can't seem to let go of a lot of things and everytime that they seem to slightly slip away I just break down. Maybe I do need to see a shrink, but I honestly don't know what good it would do. I know I need someone to talk to but I hate how I feel that they are just listening to me because they are being paid to.

I sat there and read this book that I don't know the name or author of because the pages that once contained that information were smudged from water and time over the years. The phone rang and jerked me away from the fifth paragraph of the ninth chapter...my favorite part. I walked slowly to the phone with irritation and scanned the caller I.D. to prepare myself for whom I was about to speak to. It was my aunt. I hesitated on picking up the phone and thought it best to just let the machine get it. But something told me to answer.
I could hear the tears before I even put the phone to my ear. I spoke with caution, "Hello?" And that one word was the signal for my aunt to lose it. An ear piercing scream said more than I needed to assume. "What's wrong? What's wrong?!" I kept asking. I felt like a broken record when she finally spoke understandable words.
"Oh god! Jenny, OH GOD!! Jenny I can't believe this has happened!!!"
"What? What has happened? STOP CRYING AND TELL ME!"
"Jenny, oh god, Jenny! It's John...John...oh god Jenny! He's dead!!"
I threw the phone as if it had burned me. I could still hear my aunt screaming for some help from god across the room. I felt so many things in that one moment. I felt insane, sick, depressed, unreal, angry, lost, hopeful in some way that it wasn't true. But the phone that sat in the corner proved that it was real and it was true.
I had attempted to climb the stairs up to my room to my bed and see if I could wake up from this dream. But it wasn't a dream and I only made it to the fourth step before I broke down screaming and echo the world would have never even heard since John could not. I sat there clinging to the carpet hoping that it would provide me the comfort that was currently absent.
Three days later my alarm clock went off but I couldn't hear it. I took a freezing cold shower but I could not feel it. I ate dry toast but I could not taste it.
I put on that awefully depressing black dress with an itchy black jacket and ugly black shoes. My mother came down the stairs. She desended slowly as if nervous from a million eyes upon her. She hugged me. She was wearing too much perfume and it made my eyes water. My father wore an uncomfortable black suite. The one he always wore to some depressing event, funerals, christmas dinner, weddings...
We rode to the church and listened to silence. Neither of us had the energy to turn the radio on. At the ceremony I listened to people talk about him and praise him in a way that seemed to be insulting to his profound existance. I bloked out the pastor's coments on how John would be in heaven since John and I would always joke about such an illusion created to be used as a crutch for the lonely.
It ended with a moment of silence in memory of him. Then they closed the casket making his death even more absolute.
At the burrial I was asked to say a few words about John since I was so close to him. I looked around at the women with smeared mascara and the men checking their watches to make sure they weren't late for other, more important affairs. I declined the offer stating that what they were asking me to do would be insulting to John and it would not justify his death in a positive way and that I thought it was wrong.
My aunt hasn't spoken to me since...

The Against Me! show was great. I had the time of my life, need I say more?

this is a song that i recently found with help from someone. it truly is beautiful...

The phone slips from a loose grip
Words were missed then, some apology
I didn’t want to tell you this
No, it’s just some guy she's been hanging out with
I don’t know, the past couple weeks I guess
Well, thank you and hang up the phone
Let the funeral start
Hear the casket close
Let’s pin split-black ribbon to your overcoat
Well, laughter pours from under doors
In this house, I don’t understand that sound no more
It seems artificial, like a T.V. set

Well, haligh, haligh, haligh, haligh
This weight it must be satisfied
You offer only one reply
You know not what you do
But you tear and tear your hair from roots
From that same head you have twice removed now
A lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die
Well HA HA HA

I remember everything
The words we spoke on freezing South Street
And all those mornings watching you get ready for school
You combed your hair inside that mirror
The one you painted blue and glued with jewelry tears
Something about those bright colors
would always make you feel better
But now we speak with ruined tongues
And the words we say aren’t meant for anyone
It’s just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance
But there was once you

You said you hate my suffering
And you understood
And you’d take care of me
You'd always be there
Well where are you now?

Haligh, haligh, haligh, haligh
The plans were never finalized
But left to hang like yarn and twine
Dangling before my eyes
As you tear and tear your hair from roots
From that same head you have twice removed now
A lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die

And I sing and sing of awful things
The pleasure that my sadness brings
As my fingers press onto the strings
In yet another clumsy chord
Haligh, haligh, an awful lie
This weight will now be satisfied
I'm gonna give you only one reply
I know not who I am

But I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided
Nothing is clear

Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack
He says the choices were given
Now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?

Alright so I am officially apart of a band now. We don't have a name yet but we will be playing a Halloween show on All Hallow's Eve with (I was told) The Fawk Yahs. I will warn some that we are a ska band so don't be hating. Honestly, give us a chance before you judge. It is going to be fun though...I hope.
But besides all of that, I had to go to a wedding this weekend and it sucked, just like I knew it would. The ceremony took forever, the food at the rehearsal dinner tasted like mold, and when I was in the bathroom the bride, extremly drunk and who kept calling me Janna, couldn't use the bathroom without "assistance" so i was pleaded to help her and got champinge spilled on me when trying to find the end to her dress. I'm glad no one walked in on us or I probably would have been accused of looking like I was trying to take advantage of her.
Plus on top of it all we had to take this pair of old people back to their nursing home because the people who drove them there were too drunk to even make it to their car without getting lost. Now, I don't have anything against old people, except these ones.
They kept complaining that the car was too sporty and that we were driving way too fast (we were only going 15mph when they started freaking out) and I had no clue who they were but the lady swore I was her sister who had died 50 years ago in a fire (so her husband informed me).
Who knows maybe I am some 80 year old lady named Glaydis in disguise.

rilo kiley is a wonderful band. and the girl's name is jenny too. I really feel connected to her now. no nevermind. i only wish. today today oh what a day. alex and meghan are still going to graduate early and i'm going to be left all alone. but like i've told alex time and time again, i will still support her and what not. and i will even show up to their "early" graduation ceremony (yeah, with a gun to my head).
oh, and i'm going to take the PSAT for $11. i'm not doing the study course mainly because i dont want to have to spend $50 for it and i really wont need it until next year so i better start saving up now.
I'm not too sure when, but rilo kiley is coming to austin and they're playing at Emo's (whatever or wherever that is). i cant interpret what the date or whatever it is posted on their web site but, i will figure it out and i will go to that show. i already missed DCFC and im not missing this show (who am i kidding i probably wont even get close to going to the show).

Wow. It's been a long time siced i've posted something. I guess I'm trying to get back into the swing of things (still). I miss homemade lunches. I wish my mom would pack my lunch again and put those sweet little messages saying something like, "Hello my Ju-Ju Bean (yes, my mom calls me Ju-Ju Bean, and has even before I could make any sense as to what she was saying), I hope you have a splended day! Love, Mom." Those were the days. Well school hasn't been too bad. Not too bad at all. I love seeing people and just hanging out. I like not having to be under pressure or uncomfortable. I just like to chill and just be there experiencing the moment. Nevermind, I'm bad at this sort of thing. So, this is the last week of the first six weeks. I's gone by way too fast. like whoa. Oh well. I have glasses now. I'm surprised I haven't lost them yet. Gosh I'm bad at this. I dont see how some people can post everyday. I'm already out of stuff to say. Oh, well. I guess we all can't be gifted in having something interesting to say all the time. And with that, I'll leave you to ponder wether you are or not.

The movie didn't exactly change my life but it did open my eyes to a new world and changed my emotions and perception on a few subjects.
Through out the movie I would shed a tear or two just beacause it was so moving but at the end it just grabbed me and pulled at my heart strings and rounded my emotions into this happiness of the realization that there was and is some good in this world, and that it was all being portrayed through this movie, and that all the questions to my life were being answered at that very moment in time, and that I was just so happy and sad and in love and it just poured out of me.
In shorter terms...
I really liked it and it is now my favorite movie.
I know a lot of people will feel like it's just a movie and that they won't understand how it could have such a great affect on someone. But one thing I know now is that I understand a lot of things that I didn't before. And now I feel more alive and more thankful for this life that I have been given and the friends and people that are apart of my life.
And I love everything about it

School has finally started. And now I wish it was over. At least driver's ed anyway. But hey, I passed my driving test so guess who get to drive now?? Me! Watch out world, I'm on the loose and I have a drivers permit too.
I pretty much like all of my classes except for World History. It's safe to say that that class sucks ass. The teacher doesn't make it any better either. I swear she's the living dead. Oh well. Everything else is alright. Oh Oh Oh, I have a CELL PHONE NOW!!!!!!! Good gosh I never thought I'd see the day until a few days ago. So here it is world...my CELL PHONE NUMBER: 379-5028. Call anytime you want, because I have a cell phone now and you can reach me at any given time.
toodle loo

I really love this time of year. It's the time where the world is in a state of changing. It hasn't started yet but is almost about to take the plunge into a different atmosphere. An atmosphere where when you breathe in you can feel the life around you falling into a deep sleep. It's exciting and sad at the same time.

I am now starting to realize just how fast time truly does go by. It's scary. I only have three more years to go to high school. A while ago I would have considered three years to be more than enough time but, now it's seems as if I don't have any.

I'm happy that school's going to start(as if it wasn't already obvious). I miss being around people. I can't wait to see everyone else either. Something tells me this year is going to be a good one. I'm getting my license in Febuary as well as my car! So if anyone needs a ride I'll be glad to hook you up. I also intend to be a lot more active. I'm going to take swing dance lessons and a sushi making class(yummm). And I have convenced my parentals to let me go out to concerts and shows alone. They were going to have to let go one day...

Well, there's only so long I can talk about nothing. But I hope everyone had a great summer and that we'll all have the best time this year.
love,
Jenny

Back from Dallas. Finished my reading project. Eating a Blimpe's. Watching old Sex and the City episodes.

I'm leaving town again. Apparently my grandfather isn't doing to good so I need to go see him before something bad happens. But I will be back in a couple of days. Definatly before the weekend. If you need to reach me tonight you can call me at 830-438-8405. And if you want, I will give you a number that you can call me at when I'm in Dallas. I see everyone soon. 5 more days!!

I finally got the pictures back from my trip in Florida. The only ones I like are of me feeding the ducks (since that was the only fun time I had there that I can remember). I would post them but I'm clueless as how to do it. If, by chance, anyone knows how to put pictures on this thing I would be very thankful for the information and help. So until I learn how to mix pictures and the journal entry all I can offer are words for the time being.

ok, alright, here is mon schedule

1 per-French 2
2 per-Biology 1
3 per-Comm App 1st sem / Health 2nd sem
4 per-Geometry
5 per-LUNCH (hungry hungry hungry)
6 per-World History AP (yeah, that's right, AP)
7 per- Keyboard 1st sem / Intro Business 2nd sem
8 per-English 2H


YES!!! no P.E. this year! and i have lunch with some cooler than hip cats. 12 more days.

I'M HOME. I'M HOME. I'M HOME. I'M HOME. I'M HOME. I AM HOME!!!!!!

I never thought I'd be more happier to be home. When the plane landed and I got down to the baggage claim I literally started to cry because I was so happy and so relieved to be home. And school is about to start so now I'll have something to do durring the day. It may not be all that fun but at least it's something.

Alright, well, I have to go shopping for school supplies and clothes and so on...

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now that I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cause I'd already know

More than words
More than words

I was finally able to get out of the condo today. I went about twenty miles away from where I am currently being held hostage and saw a movie. The Bourne Supremecy to be exact. It was pretty cool for a sequel.

This is one issue that has been playing on my mind lately. Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon? These sequels to movies are actually good. Usually they're crappy and no one wants to see them more than once. But now its a whole different story. What's next...World Peace?

I look forward to more trips out of the condo. I mean there is only so much time I can take being locked in a place with a demented bird from the firey depths of hell!

Well, I am feeling surprisingly better today. I'm still a little nausious though so, I'm drinking juice like it's going out of style. I worked up the courage to go down to the beach alone today. It wasn't so bad but I did get lonely after a while being surrounded by happy people in groups of twos and threes, and me being the only table for one.

So, after the adventure on the beach, I decided to go back up to the condo and spend some quality time with the bird from hell. God, I hate that f-ing thing. He was at my aunt's house but they figured it was time they took a trip so they brought it over here and left us (meaning me since I'm the only one here most of the time) to take care of it.

I'll inform you of the surprise attack that god awful thing pulled on me today.

So, I get back from the beach and walk into the house and find that the bird is not in its cage and the door is wide open. My spidey senses dettected danger at once. I put my stuff down and carefully search the place for it. I looked in the first two bedrooms and the bathroom...not there. I looked in the kitchen and living room...not there either. So I go to my room and there he is sitting on the bed just waiting for me. I start to move very slowly to close the door and all of a sudden he goes, "Whatcha Doin'?"(to just let you know this bird can say three things and "whatcha doin'" is one of them). Then he jumps down off of the bed and chases me down the hallway with his wings spread and feathers raised screaming at me, "HI, HI, HI," and I'm hauling ass to the bathroom and I run in and slam the door and hear a thud. I figured the bird slamed straight into the door in his haste to kill me. So I was locked in the bathroom for three hours until someone came home and put it back in the cage.

I have sworn revenge on that bird if it is the last thing I do...

I am the water of an ocean
enclose me in a bottle and take me home.
You can leave me in a vaccant room
full of sunshine to rid the cold.
Take me to the heart of a city
and keep me by when you miss the sea.
I will be something you can depend on,
because I know you're lonely just like me.

The moon steals the sky from the stars
and takes up space so they lose their touch.
I've witnessed the whole unfair fight
so when I spoke up I realized I say too much.
Your hope may walk a thin line
between what is fair and what is true.

Well, life has gotten the worst its has ever been...well, kind of. My parents are gone so that means that I am alone hear with my grandparents. I know it doesn't sound all that bad, and it really isn't, but I am sick. Literally. It happened last night when I got back from a stroll on the beach. My stomache just ached. So, I decided to hit the sheets and sleep it off but around 3 a.m. my head was in a toilet. Now, 2 Ibuprofin, 3 doses of Peptol Bismol, and way too much sleep I am still not better. And now I have come to realize my fate... I am going to die. And I also know who the culprit is that has caused me this pain. It is a restaurant in Pensacola, FL called Seafood Seafood Buffet. It has too be. I didn't eat anyother thing last night except the food from Seafood Seafood Buffet. If I am wrong and it wasn't Seafood Seafood Buffet then I don't know what is right in this world. Oh, and plus on top of all this sickness I am homesick. I miss my home, I miss my bed, I miss my dogs, and I everything that exists in the great city of San Antonio. If anyone has a cure for any of these illnesses please, help me.