Jennifer, Jenny, Jen

Well, I made it down to Alabama secure and safe. I'm happy to report my plan jitters disapeared when we got to the airport and i was raped by the airport security. My parents are leaving a week earlier than I am so I will be on my own next time I fly...
The beach is really pretty and the pool isn't too bad either. I went shopping for a new bathing suite and came to a compromise with my mom. It's not ugly but the one I really wanted was a lot better.
I also ventured off to the beach last night for a late night stroll and was mauled by beach crabs. I'm serious. A little over a thousand of those creeps attacked me without warning.

It's my last day in San Antonio before I'm on a plane ride to Alabama. So, now that I think about it, it's not all that bad. I mean, everyone is away somewhere else and there's no harm for me to venture off as well.
I went to the eyeball doctor today and now I have to get glasses. I'm nearsighted and got some pretty cool specks. I feel like I belong in a comic book store now (being as how I was worried I wasn't going to fit in). I still miss school and am counting down the days till it starts. I also need to find a new bass guitar teacher since my last one is going away to college.
Don't get me wrong, I am wanting to go on vacation to Alabama but I have never been more nervous about a plane ride until now. I know they say that flying is the safest way to travel but all I can think about that saying is, F-that. And I'm also really good about flying. It has never bothered me this much and i have no clue why I'm so worried now. Maybe I'm just looking to far into things...I hope.

Many people would assume that others are considered wise beyond their years. I think people have the same mentality level, but a lot of them decide not to embrace it. The human brain is probably the most amazing object. There is no limit on how much you are capable of learning. I plan to use that information and make it happen. I never want to stop learning. I want to take knowledge to a completly different level. I want to see places and know of their existance. I want to understand people more. I want to study life in its beautiful existance. I want to read a thousand books in one day and still crave for more...
People are wonderful beings. They are so amazing. They are capable to express emotion, pain, desire, and love. But, what i've come to notice, a lot of people don't show all of the feelings that they are endowed with. Some just show a few. But the there are people who can't seem to have enough emotions. It's as if they want to express a million feelings for one thing.
All of this leads me to another subect about human beings... we are all different. Everyone is completly different physically, internally, and emotionally. And that's what makes us so unique. We are all almost the exact opposite but we live together, we work together, we stay together (well, the majority anyhow). Everyperson lives in a society where people rely on other people. We put our faith and trust in so many other people's hands that we have become co-dependent amongst ourselves. But it's not us as one that makes us beautiful but us individualy.
The most beautiful thing i that i ever witnessed was a person standing out from the crowd. It showed me how different that person was and how she wasn't afraid to show it. Instead of following everyone else, she sat alone enjoying the company of her empty surroundings. She expressed her unexisting fear of being by herself and justified the fact that we don't need to rely on others to feel safe. We are capable of that all by ourselves.

i've been listening to this song for days now and the only way i think i can get it out of my system is to put it down in a journal entry.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

[Chorus]

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away [4x]

[Chorus]

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

well, my life is officially the most complicated it has ever been. i wish school would just start already. dont get me wrong, its been really fun but i'm just about ready to throw in the towel. all i pretty much have to look forward to is alabama for two weeks... i wish i didnt agree to stay the extra week. my mom says it will give my grandmother and i time to get to know each other a little better. but what it really is is my grandmother nagging at me about everything and me being bored off my ass.
but the past few days have been alright. went to buffalo last weekend, hung out with jared on monday, died alex's hair tuesday (and i am now her offical hair dresser), went downtown with jared, alex, ben, and mikey, then went to see king arthur minus alex and plus corey and cristine yesterday. oh and saw an old friend too. i have a chance to go to dallas and i think im gonna take it. i still need to talk to rich about coming down to this state (we had plans for last week but they sort of fell through, obviously). if and when he comes down that will truly make my summer. yes, im that pathetic.

back from my dad's house. it always gets unbelievably boring over there. all there is to do is sit around and watch t.v. since he lives out in the middle of nowhere. i wanted to come back home on tuesday but my dad didnt want to take me home because he didnt want to be lonely since his whore of a wife is wasting money in cancun (this is her fourth trip there...) and wont be back until friday. im so glad i dont live there anymore. you never realize how much you love the city until you live out there. i did get to see some movies though. i saw The Terminal, The Day After Tomorrow, and Dodgeball. i really liked The Terminal. Tom Hanks has always been one of my favorite actors and did a pretty good job playing a foriegn man who lives in an airport terminal for 9 months. it's a little long but worth it. i've been talking to rich and he's coming down in two weeks!!!! it'll be really nice to see him again since the new york trip. i have the house all to myself tonight. eric is out of town to go see a rush concert and my mom wont be back home from her trip until tomorrow after-noon. a little lonely but good all the same.

1:00 in the morning. it doesnt even feel that late. i guess because its summer. its good that i've been staying up late, i've gotten to catch up on my ATHF, paint, write, and talk to people. i was listening to one of my death cab for cutie CDs and i started to pay a lot of attention to the words and after i realized what he was saying i started to cry. i havent cried in a long time but those words just made me think of all the relationships that i've had where i wanted to make things better. i think DCFC is my favorite band now. it wont replace Blink-182 but its definatly up there. i think he has one of the prettiest voices and the lyrics are amazing.

"and all the girls in every girlie magazine cant make me feel any less alone. im reaching for the phone, to call at 7:03 and on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home. but i know its too late and i should've given you a reason to stay, given you a reason to stay..."

thats my favorite song. its so bitter-sweet and symphonic. i could never get tired of them. he sounds like one of those guys that would do anything for their girlfriends. like buy a whole bunch of gummie bears and give her all of the ones she especially likes, like all the green ones or red ones. oh, if only that happened in reality.

today was fun. i hung out with nick all day (score!!) mostly at his house but then we ventured off to barnes and nobles got some coffee and whatched zach and zach skateboard. then we went to my place and hung out. we talked a lot since the t.v. wasnt working. now that i've gotten to know nick and talk to him i honestly really and truly do like him. he's so sweet and caring. he makes me smile. he puts himself down a lot but i dont see why, he's incredibly awesome. most of the guys that i get with never seem to amaze me but he's getting close...

not much happened today. woke up around 10 and played james bond until 12. took a shower and fixed myself up for the day. about 1:10 i remembered that i left nick a message to meet me at the pit at 1, so i walked out of my house to see if he was there but he wasnt (bummer). i didnt think to much on the matter so called alex and we went to see Saved! it was really good. after the movie we went to barnes and nobles (we've been going there a lot lately) and quoted scenes from the movie. we went back over to alex's and david decided alex needed to put in some driving time so she drove all the way to boerne were we fed the ducks (yay!!!) and i felt like a little girl again. after an hour and a loaf of bread we went to have dinner at this little bakery were i had my first fruit plate since i was 5 (another reminder of my youth). we came back home and i decided to just come back over to my place. after a while i heard the ice cream man coming and since i had some spare change went to go get some vanilla ice cream. but unfortunatly i got into an arguement with the ice cream man and he drove of angry and i stood there upset and vanilla ice creamless.

i went to go see that new movie Super Size Me last night with alex, meghan, g-bas, kenji, and travis. it was pretty good but all i have to say is that i'm never going to eat fast food again and am also a vegetarian. but the real reason why im a vegetarian isnt really because i want to save the lives of millions of cows and other animals. i just want to try it out. dont get me wrong, i love cows, ducks, and pigs (and if you really know me then you know my absolute love for chickens). im just curious as to what its like, since im the kind of person who will try anything at least once.
but one thing that i am in it for the animals is SHAC (Stop Huntingdon Animal Cruelty). HLS (Huntingdon Life Sciences) is an organization that performs scientific experiments on animals such as domestics pets (dogs, cats, etc...) they mainly perform the experiments on beagles because they have a kind, gentle nature so when they experiment they wont have problems handling them. you can research more information on SHAC at www.welcome.to/shac. im also apart of the Clark Animal Rights Organization at Clark High School. if you want to join contact Alex Howell.

i havent updated my journal in a million years so i figured i would. got back from new york a few days ago and im already homesick for it. the only thing that willed me to come back was all the people i know and love here in san antonio. but besides all that i loved it. i did everything there is to do there and then some. met a lot of people and now have connections (my hoes in different area codes). im hoping to attend NYU and got a lot of information plus a place to stay if i ever decide to take a random trip up there (thanks Rich<3). but now im back and things arent all that bad. got to get back in touch with alex and we've been hanging out plus i also got to start talking to nick again. as anyone who reads this journal can see i deleted almost all of my entries about rex. its a long story so i'll just briefly explain it: we got together and were boyfriend and girlfriend for about 3 months. we went through a lot, all the ups and downs and just decided it was best to end it. he said he couldnt give me the kind of relationship i deserved and i said i was just getting tired of putting up with it all. so we broke up, tears were shed (mostly on my part), we argued for a little while, persued the thought of getting back together (his idea), and then just decided that we were much better off as friends. so now we still talk, try and keep up with one another, and still love each other but ONLY as friends. i wouldnt want it any other way. he's told me about this girl he met and i told him about my feelings for someone(hope you have fun at the thrice concert!) and i enjoyed every word of it. it feels so good knowing that we can still be friends after all of this.

Someone Else

It seems alright if i just give up now. Im sure it wont matter to anyone else. Now, i could be at a loss of hope. But, come moring i will still be waiting at home.

Dont forget that i tried. They all had something i could not satisfy. No dont worry; it's fine if you leave. No one seems to care what will happen to me.

But, it's ok. Everything's fine now. Cause it never seems to fail that...That they all love someone else. And they all love...someone else.

Maybe it's something that i did wrong. Wished to hard or listened to too many love songs. I'll be strong and go on so casually. But, i wont deny that it hurts in times like these.

I dont ask for much anymore. I havent, now that its all happened before. I'll always be waiting for an answer. I'll always be hoping for some kind if cure.

Oh, those girls, they can never see. Just how great it is to be so lucky. How they are all loved by someone else. Yes, they are all loved by...someone else.

"...And these childeren that you spit on. As they try and change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they are going through..."                                                  -David Bowie

well, spring break is finally here, and i'm at home still in what i wore to bed. im ungrounded, thanks to my skills of persuation, and have nothing to do to acknowledge it. im leaving for dallas on thursday and very thankful for it. i just need to get out of here. i feel as if im trapped, again. i always feel that way if im in one place for to long. i'd make a terrible house wife, no matter where i lived. i have been keeping myself occupied, though. i bought sixteen candles and the breakfast club, so i'll be entertained for the time being. not to mention all this time i have to write songs and paint and work on my cooking skills(as if i had any) and mend wounds from mistakes that i've made. but, so far, all i've done on my "to do list" is sleep. it's not too productive, but i need it none the less. alex called. i guess that shows that she's not mad at me. she asked if i wanted to go to the Blink concert. god, why wouldnt i? not only is it my favorite band but its going to be great to spend with her. not in a lesbian way, but to see my favorite band with my best friend, why not?  oh well, just another day...

did you like the flowers that i sent? you could've called to thank me, well, you could've called. and i tried to kiss you on broken avenue. but you got in your car before i could move.

and i've been falling like the rain, but you've got your umbrella in my way.

fists and fingers, tongues and teeth. i wanna see you; im tired of my dreams. the nights of wishing, i could open my mouth. but when i finally did speak you were no where to be found.

i've been falling like the rain. but you've got your umbrella in my way.

i had the sun in my hand, i had the sun in my hand. i had the sun til you said that you liked the rain. well, i had it all in my hands, i had it all, but i gave it all away.

did i scare you off by being honest? how come we never see the end til it's right there upon us? if you want, i can go away. like the rain, i'll come again some other day.

and i've been falling like the rain. but you've got your umbrella in my way.

one of these days im going to show up in the sunshine. be a little sun-shower. fall upon you, make you rise up like a flower. you can be my little daisy(be my little daisy)

this is one of my few pictures of myself. not the best but i think its kinda pretty. shows you how much attention i pay in french... well, i broke up with james. it was bound to happen anyways. he was a really great guy but i honestly never saw it going anywhere. i hate to say it but, he was never really my type. i asked him if we could be friends since that's what it seemed like we were good at. i think he took it as a friends with benefits issue, though. god, i hope not. everytime i was with him i dreaded the time when he would want to get close or lean in for a kiss. i hated it. not only was i allowing him to pretend that there was something there but, i just kept lying to myself as well. another thing that i am also ashamed of is that i was falling for someone else at the time. it was everytime that james would grab my hand or let his fingers "accidentally" touch me i would pretend it was someone different. but it's no wonder. i just keep thinking of him, this someone different. he's like the lie i live. always there, always lingering in the back of my mind, creating a whole different world where it would be him who kissed me, who touched me, who said "i love you" i would replace his words and voice for james's. i think the real reason i broke up with james was for him. im hoping that something will happen. anything. i am talking to him, getting to know him a little bit better. and everything so far.....well, let's just say i have no regrets.

wrote a new song, had no one eles to share it with so here...


Sleeping with ghosts


I’m always hoping to find, you at the tide. Kissing the life into something that’s already died. Opened my eyes to deep truth, scared I might fall. Reaching for light and I know you heard me call.

I’ve been losing…my shattered mind. It’s your soul that I’ve…been trying to find. Forgive me, for I…let go. Discovered that I’ve been… sleeping with ghosts.

Searching for your lost words, its all that I know. Wanting you to come back, as I scream, “please don’t go.” Silent tears, stream down your sorrowed face. Help me to come back, I lost my way.

I’ve been drowning into the day. Screaming for help, but shouting your name. Forgive me, for I…let go. Discovered that I’ve been… sleeping with ghosts.

Forever wishing for a night, with dreamless sleep. Tossing and turning over secrets you keep. Faster I fall into the crowd, of lifeless smiles. Standing still while I run a thousand miles.

I’ve been trying…to see the light. Let me go, I’ve lost my sight. Forgive me, for I…let go. Discovered that I’ve been… sleeping with ghosts

Sleeping…with…ghosts.



i know its the title of a placebo album but that exactly what inspired me to write it.

have you ever had that feeling where you're being watched by an audience whose silence is drowning you? where every move you make is being monitered and juged? its almost like this. im spilling my heart out and letting every thought flow from my fingers onto this page so it can be viewed by anyone who has the time to even notice. maybe this is why i dont even speak up in class, let alone to others. im not a loner, dont get me wrong. i just dont get into the social scene very much. im not depressed either, i just have a mind that can get lost in thought. i dont think im anything really. i hate the whole "labling" subject in general. but someone once called me "the invisible girl" and it just kinda stuck.
this world...what a place. either you're in or you're out. i like to stay right in the middle, what with the wars we fight within ourselves and the ones we are forced to except, there's just no telling which step we take will be a good choice or will destroy us. i go on, letting go occasionaly just to see how far i can fall. im always looking for someone to fall back on, thats how i get into all these heart breaks. i've learned now not to be so careless anymore, but its the pain that i've put myself through that has taught me that lesson. i miss the days of adolessonce and ignorance. the days where my biggest worries were missing my favorite t.v. show and not being able to go outside and explore the world through my front yard.
i lay awake at night just wondering how could i've gotten into this? into this blur, this unfocused perspective. people see me and question, judge, hold against and i do nothing to prevent it. its almost like i perposely put myself out there, weak and vulnerable, just waiting for someone to take me away. i almost wish someone, anyone, would kid-nap me, steal me and take me as far away as they can from this place. may be i should just wear a sign that says "unmonitored item" or "five finger discount" from now on.