urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:onlybrokenheart laugh a little easier Jennifer, Jenny, Jen 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:onlybrokenheart:11006 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z death cab for cutie-steadier footing I'm really starting to doubt so many things. Nothing is real and I can't stand all of these changes I'm going through. I finally talked to Alex Baluna. It's been so long since we last had a conversation or talked for that matter. But with everything else aside, this will probably be my last entry. I'm tired of this, even though I hardly ever update this thing. Everyone has one, so there is no point in it anymore. And no one comments in my journal at least. This is where I'm starting to see that I have been right all along in a few subjects. I truly do not fit in anywhere. But I accept that. It's funny, in a way, that it comes as no "big surprise". I don't mind being alone all that much. I've gotten so used to it by now. <br />One thing I didn't see coming though, is how I'm starting to resent my life. I wake up and I dread having to get out of bed. I just want to lie there all day and not have to deal with all the shit that goes on at school and in life. I'm lonely too. But, like everything else, I am becoming accustomed to it. School has also become something of a drag. But there are days that contradict that statement. Some days I feel really great and happy, as if nothing could bring me down from this natural high that I rarely develope. But it doesn't take much for someone to ruin it. <br />The human race is dead in its tracks. It tortures me, honestly. I'm sick with sadness and longing for something great to happen. I've been thinking about moving out with my dad. I know I wouldn't be happier but I think a few people would prefer it and I doubt it would make a difference to others. <br />I hate to bitch and whine, but this is a journal isn't it. If you have a problem with it then quit reading it for fuck's sake. Save yourself the agony and go and read about another person's fabulous life, since everyone else is in some idealistic state of mind, and think it impossible for someone else to have the right to be in a "bad" mood.<br />I am only human and I have a right to get pissed and let it out be in a form of writting or words. I will never choose words because I'm too fucking nice and peace-loving to disrupt anything that has potential to be good. I keep all of my feelings inside and I think that is what is fucking me up. But why would I just say something to hurt someone? Why would I put someone down for my own pleasure? Why do people feel they have to share every god damn thought in their head when their opinion wasn't even asked for? If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it. A lot of people can't seem to grasp that idea.<br />And you know what, my feelings are not something that can be thrown around. It drives me insane and I'm pulling my hair out from roots. I feel like a rag doll. I'm limp with emotional pain, which leaves me too weak to do anything about everything. And I'm so nice. Honestly, I'm so sweet to everyone and it never seems to be returned to me. Eventhough this is a fact, I still try to be so nice and please others. I don't want to give up. Maybe one day someone will treat me like I treat everyone else, and then after I get over the massive shock attack, I will know why I deserved it.